I CHOOSE ME

 "...do you mind if I ask you a question?"

 She asked; and automatically, I knew where she was heading. 

 Even though we were no longer "together", Nji and I still had an open minded - no judgmental friendship and I knew there was nothing negative in what she was about asking. 

 "Are you gay?" She asked; and the silence that dropped afterwards made it seem like I had hung up or the network had suddenly gone dead. 

 "Hello?" 

 "Am here" I responded. Still trying to process my thoughts on how best to answer. 

You see, even though its been many years since we went our separate ways, I knew Nji still, and would always have feelings for me and I was certain my answer was going hit her hard even though I knew I was only confirming her suspicion. 

 "Yes" I said.. quite surprised at the firmness and zero fear or timidity in my voice.

 (Another silence).

 I knew she was still swallowing the bitter pill with a jug of vinegar so I had to allow her adjust to the harsh sting of the taste in her mouth. 

 "Okay" she finally said- her voice, masked with an understanding that did absolutely nothing to conceal the disappointment of my response. 

 She told me how it had been difficult for her to find a man like me and how her husband (as of then) just couldn't fill the void i created. She informed me she named her son after me and Indeed, i felt honoured.

 When she began to insinuate and blame herself that it was due to her lack of adequate reciprocation and attention to the love we shared that contributed to my sexuality, I immediately corrected her by letting her know I had always known about my attractions since I knew what my name was- therefore, it had nothing to do with her.  

She told me all the times we were together, she had a deep feeling that something was wrong somewhere but couldn't say "what". We chatted briefly on other matters and finally said goodbye. 

 One thing she didn't know , and of which I never told her was that, while she was happy and thought I was as well, I was excruciatingly depressed and very suicidal at that period of my life. 

While I was being the "best boyfriend", I was empty, lonely and suffering inside but couldn't tell anyone. 

I am happy that my peace has come a long way and I am out of the valley and shadow of " that death " because I choose to live while am still alive.

 I choose me. I choose to love myself. 

 I choose to be authentic and be in love with whom I won't have secrets or anything to hide from.

 Today, i live.

Written By

 D.I.J